The Ultimate Star Wars Cook-Off
by IzzyKenobi163
Summary: One-shot for now. (chapter two is the realization that I am mentally disturbed.) Crack!fic. Contains mustard and nightmare fuel. M for swearing. Please read&review.


**Author's Note:** Hi. I'm Izzy. You probably remember me from that last little sketch I did in like 7th grade- Big Nate x Jenny. (dammit, I was trying to forget that.) You imagine I have matured some. But it is too much to hope. I welcome you to the official Star Wars (prequels) Cook-off, where there's crack in the burgers and everyone's personality is canon af. Okay, disclaimers: I don't own Star Wars, and I'm not a friggin Merriam-Webster (don't expect amazing spelling.) This is a oneshot for now, I have dreams of making it a collection but I am very very lazy. Also, not quite sure if Aayla Secura is in anything but the Clone Wars, but screw that.

P.S, on the contrary to common belief, I am not on crack or any other drug.

Here goes.

CHAPTER ONE

"What's up, mothafuckas?" yelled Mace Windu as he sashayed into the picnic area, flanked by Jedi Masters Ki-Adi-Mundi and Kit Fisto. He stopped. "We ready to grill some burgers, boys?"

"Hell yeah," Ki-Adi-Mundi said, right on cue with that hip pop. Mace made the first move, and they continued walking up to their designated grill. Kit Fisto smirked, trying not to break his scowl of badass-ness. _I look so badass,_ Kit thought. Utterly confident, he caught Aayla Secura's eye from across the park and winked. _I'm practically in slow motion!_ He shook his head so his tentacle things swung out of his eyes. _Now all I need is an explosion or something._ Just then, a grill blew up right behind him. _Fuckin' sweet!_ Kit thought as he was flung helplessly through the air.

Across the park, Aayla snickered to Master Shaak Ti."Jesus fuck," she laughed. "Kit's an idiot." Shaak was convulsing with giggles. "DID HE JUST LAND IN DOG SHIT?" she shouted.

Aayla was doubled over. "How the hell did he even manage that? Oh, fuck, did you see him wink at me?"

"Wait, wait- look where Mace landed." Mace Windu was picking himself up from a nearby picnic table and frantically trying to apologize to an angry Chancellor Palpatine. Shaak whistled. "Ah, they both landed in deep shit." Aayla high-fived her.

"I tell you! A direct attempt on my life! THIS JEDI MASTER HAS TRIED TO KILL ME!" Chancellor Palpatine screeched. "Sorry-sorry-sorry-ah-shit-it-was-an-accident!" Mace pleaded. "BECAUSE HE FUCKIN PUSHED ME!" Palpatine screamed. "Backup? Please," Mace begged to Master Yoda, who was inspecting his burger buns. Yoda finally noticed Mace's predicament, but only hrm'd in amusement. "On your own, you are, Master Windu! Hrm!" Mace glared at the green alien. "For being the wisest in the galaxy, you're a sick little fuck!"

Yoda threw a raw hot dog at his eye.

Chancellor Palpatine had recovered somewhat from his temper tantrum, and was now preaching to a growing crowd about the Jedi's betrayal. "I have long believed in the Jedi to protect and preserve the Republic. Sadly, I'm not so sure anymore... I have the footage here!" Palpatine pushed 'play' on the remote he was holding, which set into motion the video playing on a 10'x10' projector that had appeared out of nowhere.

Mace clenched his jaw. "This is proof! We must take down the Jedi now!" the Chancellor shouted. The group began to riot. Mace cleared his throat, and recovered smoothly. "Chancellor, I assure you it was an accident. Are you alright? Nothing to see here, people." The Chancellor hissed through his teeth, "If you ever do that again, imma fuckin rip your face off, BITCH." He, Sly Moore, and his followers slunk out of the park.

Soon everyone was grilling, and the air smelled pleasantly of dead, charred, ewok. Yarael Poof was the first to finish, and he shoved several of his hot dogs up Plo Koon's ass. However, Plo had been expecting his friend to pull some shit like this, so just to freak him out, he let out a long, low moan. "What the fuck?" Yarael squawked. Plo Koon continued to grill like nothing had happened.

High-pitched Gungan squeals filled the air. Jar-Jar's grill had caught on fire. "Ah, shit. I told you we should have ditched the frog thing when we had the chance, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon sighed, pinching his nose. "Careful, Master. Your ewok burger's starting to burn." Obi-Wan replied.

Just when everyone was seated to eat, Yoda exploded out of a bush. He had somehow covered himself completely with mustard and hot dog buns. The entire park either gaped or covered their eyes. A hot dog fell out of Plo Koon's ass. Murmurs of "What the fuck?" and "My body is ready" were heard. Armed with a container of mustard Yoda let out an earsplitting battle cry and charged the picnic-goers. "MURSTARRRD!" he screamed, shaking hot dog buns and mustard everywhere. "YURM."

A/N okay that's it, my sick little brain is drained of energy. I wish I could say 'updates soon'. Updates in the next year. Review for any corrections, to call me a sick fuck or for suggestions. I appreciate it. *start snoring* OKAY IT IS LATE AT NIGHT, SORRY YOUR NIGHTMARE FUEL ISN'T MORE TERRIFYING!

-IzzyKenobi


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